I am not making nice resolutions like losing weight, making
friends with my neighbors, or making any kind of self-improvement. I could be
nicer, I could be improved, I could voluntarily make more friends…but I’m not
interested. I’d rather do things I find interesting and rewarding.
1. REFINE MY SHIT LIST. A few people have fallen off the
list because I just don’t give a shit about them anymore OR I’ve discovered
that life has punished them in an appropriate manner. Death, dismemberment,
disease, bad divorce…these are the things that will get a person off my shit
list. However, the plan remains essentially the same:
- Do not divorce the dude so he
can’t testify against me.
- Take the old truck and leave in the middle of the day when he’s
at work.
- Pay for everything in cash and make the cash
last.
- Have fun and remember it will be like driving over a watermelon and
squishing it, backing up, and driving over it again.
2. READ MORE BOOKS. This isn’t Self Improvement, it’s just
what I like to do. I found another box of books in the garage and HOLY MOLY but my bookcases are getting full! With all the Covid shit and Trump circus going
on over the last year, my attention span for long books is shot. I can manage
free/cheap books on my kindle (and I will kill anyone who says Romance Novels
out loud) but anything that requires concentration has been almost impossible
to read. I watch way too much stuff on Netflix/Amazon/Hulu but I really need
something to pass the time. The plan is to find a book on the book shelf, set a
timer, and really concentrate on what I’m reading for a short amount of time.
Problem solved.
3. HATE MORE THINGS. Why should I pretend to like things I
hate? For example: I hate the Tex Mex food out here. I will eat it to be nice
because it’s not terrible…but I don’t think it’s good enough to waste stomach
space on at this point in my life. I hate enchiladas with a tomato paste sauce
if I can taste the tomato paste. I hate salsa with chopped onions in it because
I hate eating fresh onions. I hate feeling like I have
to eat food that is too spicy just to be polite.
4. I WILL NOT EAT AT CHIK-FIL-A. I hate the company’s politics.
I hate that they are closed on Sunday as if that makes them super Christian
do-gooders when their staff probably needs the hours to make rent. I
hate getting their gift cards at work because CFA is “so good” people will
drive across town just to pick their shit up for lunch. And when we have a
catered lunch and it’s CFA… I feel angry at having to show appreciation for this
crap. It’s not good food. It’s not good for me. And the company is a fucking
leach on society. (Don’t tell anyone, but if I get a CFA gift card, I take it
home and rage-cut it up into a thousand little pieces.)
5. DIG HOLES. Yes, dig holes in my yard. I promise to have
the gas line marked, and then I am going out there with a pickaxe and shovel
and I am digging holes.
6. I WILL NOT DRINK SWEET TEA. Ever. And none of this half-n-half bullshit. There is so much sugar
in it, even watered down it’s lethal. If you’ve ever been pregnant and had to
do the blood sugar test, this shit is as noxiously sweet as that orange
flavored crap I couldn’t keep down when I was pregnant with my first kid. I think
it’s a ploy to get all the northern carpetbaggers to drink it so we die early
from diabetes and therefore cleanse the South.
7. DO LUNCH MY WAY. I will continue to either eat lunch in my car or drive
home for a quick lunch. Because of Covid, I won’t eat in the dining room at
work because some people take their masks off, walk around the room
talking their damn heads off like it’s some kind of a house party, and then sit
by me and TALK TALK TALK with no mask on. Lunch isn’t a time-out from catching
Covid and dying! A tiny part of me (about the size of a grain of rice) feels bad
that people really enjoy talking to me at lunch and miss the interaction with me.
I have hocked up that tiny feeling of guilt and spat it out on the sidewalk.
Three people who loved having lunch with me for the past few years have gotten
Covid. I’ll see you all once you are vaccinated. I kinda wish those that refuse
to be vaccinated for no good, scientific reason would have a big, red V
tattooed on their foreheads so the rest of us could yell SHAME every time we
see them in public.
8. ENUNCIATE MOST OF MY WORDS. I have a little trouble keeping two syllables in the word
“oil.” I totally get it when I hear “might could” or “might can’t” and “y’all.”
But as God is my witness, I will never
say “all y’all.” It reminds me of a former small town we lived in where some of the residents said “out town” when they went more than five miles from
their house. I will continue to have three
distinct words if I need to refer to a bunch of people and I will travel out OF town.
9. HANG THE FLAG. I am getting a new American flag and flag holder for the
fence. I will have to bite my tongue when people assume I’m Republican because
I’m white and flying the flag. But I’m going to fly the damn flag this year!
10. MOVE MY ASS A LITTLE MORE MAYBE. I might use the elliptical more. Maybe not. I should.
But I probably won’t. I might bribe myself with watching movies while I use it.
Or not. But I’m not hanging my laundry on it!
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